SECRETS
YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE RELATIONSHIP
Why
do the love relationship experiences of people differ? Many people
enjoy while others endure in their love relationships. Many people
get into a relationship, walk down the aisle and live blissfully,
while others live through hell and later regret and wish they were
never in the relationship. Domestic violence, sexual assault and
abuse, conflict and painful separations have become the order of the
day in our society. But the question is “why do people suffer in
love relationship?”. The reason is because they make the wrong
choices as a result of lack of knowledge. I’ll be doing a series
and sharing the secrets you need to know about love relationship from
my new book: “UNFADING LOVE: Secrets you need to know about love
relationship”.
LOVE
SECRET 1 - THE SKY-VIEW
“Good
relationships don’t just happen. It involves deliberate actions
taken in a desired direction by two people who
really and genuinely want to be together”
It
is often said that no one is an island. We all need the inputs of
people to become who we want to be. Research indicates that strong
relationships contribute to health at any age. A review of 148
studies found out that people with strong social relationships are
50% less likely to die prematurely. In our journey through life, it
is expedient we realize that our relationships influence us a great
deal. In fact as humans, we all crave for and certainly need close
relationships regardless of age, sex, nationality and color. Without
relationships, life is empty. In truth, we are wired for
relationships by God – for a relationship with Him through
salvation, for a relationship with family/life partners through
blood, and a relationship with friends through interests. While some
relationships have blossomed into beautiful unions, some others have
ended badly – causing scars, pains, disappointments, fears and
regrets.
THE
ESSENCE OF DATING
The
Bible in Hosea 4:6(GNT) says: “My people
are destroyed for lack of knowledge…”
Many
failures in dating relationships are products of ignorance. Their
understanding of the essence and demands of dating was shallow and
clearly they were not prepared for that level of commitment. Your
understanding of the concept of dating will help you in making the
right choice on whom to be committed to. Knowledge is good, but your
ability to apply knowledge is power. This is made possible through
clarity – good understanding of what you’re getting into and how
it can affect your whole life.
“YOUR
UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT OF DATING
WILL
HELP YOU IN MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE
ON
WHOM TO BE COMMITTED TO”
What
is dating?
The
word ‘dating’ means different things to different people. But the
most common understanding of this word is described “as a stage in
the development of a relationship between two people who often spend
time together in order to explore their sexual or romantic
compatibility”.
According
to Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia: “Dating is a
stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet
socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as
a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.”
Dating
is a level of commitment that should be purposeful and intentional.
Even though you’ve dated for a long time, you still end up marrying
a stranger. Dating is a new concept with a lot of perks and pitfalls.
Undoubtedly, the truth is that we all want to be loved and be
involved in a relationship that will end in a blissful marriage,
which is good, but if you are desperate about it you might end up
making the choosing the wrong person as a life partner.
“DATING
IS A CONCEPT WITH A LOT OF
PERKS
AND PITFALL”
Here
are 5 things you need to consider in dating
-
PURPOSE
: Purpose
is simply defined as the reason or intent for a particular thing.
There are two points you need to be ponder with regards to purpose
-
Know
where the relationship is leading to:
Defining
the purpose of your proposed relationship is very important. What
does he/she really want from the relationship? Is the person
purpose-driven? Motivational Speaker and Author, Myles Munroe once
wrote: “If purpose is not discovered, abuse is inevitable”.
Knowing if the person really wants you as much as you want him/her
are very important. Another vital consideration is why he/she wants
you. Does he/she want you just to help solve loneliness issues, to
satisfy their sexual needs, for show-off, for financial gains, for
fun/pleasure hangouts, or for looks? Are they interested and
intentional about dating you with the purpose of it leading to
marriage.? Don’t get carried away by the sweet words, do well to
know the needed before accepting to date a person. Don’t board a
flight that is going nowhere.
Is
the person on the path of self-discovery?
There
was a movie I watched few years ago about a young couple who had
everything all rosy in their dating relationship and eventually got
married. The early stage of their marital affair was sensational as they
shared an undying love for each other. Soon afterwards, the walls of
their marriage began to crack because the woman wanted to practice
her professional career as a lawyer. Hell was let loose as the
husband wouldn’t have that happen. To him if she was to do that,
this meant less attention to family matters. Consequently, this
led to their divorce as both of them couldn’t agree. Here’s my
point – many frustrations in relationships are as a
result of undiscovered purpose. Don’t date someone who’s not
ready to discover his/her God-given purpose. We were all created by
God for, by and with a purpose. He created us all for a reason which
defines our lives and existence here on earth. The discovery of our
God-given purpose helps us to live intentionally. The issue with this
is that when you date someone that is not on the path of
self-discovery, the person will definitely slow down the pace of your
life progress. Many dreams, careers and visions have been frustrated
and destroyed as a result of undiscovered purpose. American
Philosopher and Psychologist, Abraham Maslow in his major works on
“Motivation and Personality”, and “Toward a Psychology of
Being” initiated the theory on the hierarchy of needs. He pointed
out that the first need of every human is self-actualization – the
need to discover who you are and what you are capable of doing and
becoming. This is key for anyone who wants to be in a relationship
commitment.
-
LIVE
AND ENJOY BEING SINGLE : When
the subject of “being single”
is raised, many people view it as a life of boredom, loneliness and
or living without a partner. The society has formed a myth for
people to believe that being single is the worst thing that can
happen to a person. Young people have been brainwashed with
the fallacies that they need to be in love relationship to be
fulfilled. The word single has more than just one meaning, but I’ll
give you the best definition:
“Being
single simply means being intra-dependant or self-dependant. It is
the ability to live and be fulfilled without been dependent on
anyone”.
It
is expedient you realize that for you to enjoy a successful
relationship, you need to understand and also connect with someone
who knows what it means to be single. Don’t date anyone who is
solely dependent on you. One of the deadly killers of love
relationships is unfulfilled expectations. Many people go into
relationships thinking their partner is the solution to their
numerous problems and needs. They feel incomplete or unfulfilled
without their partner and depend so much on the person. Unfortunately
for them, things turn out differently and their love turns sour.
Don’t date anyone whose weight of expectations will pull you down.
Relationship is a vacuum; whatever the partners decide to put into it, is what it will eventually be. There must be an agreement between
you two that individually you both have a part to play to make the
relationship work. It is not a one-person show. You both need to
jointly drive the ship of your love to where you want it to be. The
Bible sheds more light on this in Amos 3:3(GNT):“Can two walk
together, unless they are agreed?”
“SINGLENESS
SIMPLY MEANS BEING
INTRA-DEPENDENT
OR
SELF-DEPENDENT.
IT
IS THE ABILITY TO LIVE AND BE
FULFILLED
WITHOUT BEING
DEPENDENT
ON ANYONE”
If
you both don’t share similar ideas in this regard or your thoughts
are not in sync, then there is no need for a love relationship. Date a helper and a life
builder, someone that is ready to build a future with you, and really
complements you sweetly.
-
CHARACTER
IS IMPORTANT : Character
creates a foundation upon which the structure of your life can be
built. Leadership Expert, John c. Maxwell wrote this on character:
“People
are like icebergs. There’s much more to them than meets the eye.
When you look at an iceberg, only about 15% is visible – that’s
reputation. The rest – their character is below the surface,
hidden. It’s what they think and never share with others. It’s
what they do when no one is watching them,”
So,
what is character?
Character
is who you are when no one is watching. It is who you are in the dark
when no one sees you. It is the product of our everyday choices.
I
quite agree with John Maxwell. What we see people as is not exactly
what and who they really are. People might appear nice, gentle,
respectful, and even Godly, but on the inside they are deadly. Their
public reputation is not in sync with their private doings. How well
you know the character of your potential date or the person you’re
currently dating is important. Character issue is a major
home/relationship breaker. Most people tend to discover the real
character of their partners after years of having their heads and
hearts played with in fool’s paradise. A bad character is like a
flat tyre, it can’t take you anywhere.
Here
are the four cores that make up character
-
SELF-DISCIPLINE
Self-discipline
is the training of the training of the body and the mind to achieve a
goal. It is also the ability to do what is right even when you don’t
feel like doing it. Being disciplined in a relationship certainly
means being able to guard your thoughts, control your desires and
weigh your actions. If your partner can get this right, then it’s a
good one for both of you, if not then dark clouds will gather over
the relationship. The Bible shares in 1 Corinthians 10:23(GNT) :
“All
things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things
are lawful for me, but not all things edify.”
CORE
VALUES
Core
values are those things you consider right for yourself. It gives
order and structure to your life, and so it does to a relationship.
Are the core values of you and your partner in sync with God’s
standards for a relationship? It is either you follow God’s
standards by choice or the world’s standards by default. The Bible
in Philippians 4:8(GNT) says:
“Finally,
brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble,
whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things
are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any
virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these
things.”
“John
Maxwell refers to core values as a guiding light during the darkest
moments”. Deep words from him and do well ponder on this.
A
SENSE OF IDENTITY:
How
consistent is your partner in words and deeds? Is he/she a chameleon
that changes its color wherever it goes or as pure as a dove? A sense
of identity is very important to our lives. Even Jesus Christ during
his earthly ministry understood the need for a sense of identity when
he asked his disciples two deep questions: “Who do men say that I
am?” and “Who do you say that I am?”. Their response was
positive. What do people say about him/her? How do people see
him/her. Don’t get caught in a web that might later become too
strong to pull down. No matter how hard they try to pretend, it won’t
be long before their colors show. Listen and watch carefully and you
will know the right one for you .
d.
INTEGRITY
Integrity
is the pathway to honor. It is the ability to stay true to your
deepest and strongest convictions regardless of circumstances. The
Bible in Proverbs 10:9(GNT):
“Whoever
walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked
will be found out”.
The
currency for integrity is trust. Can you trust the person enough to
give and spend the rest of your life with him/her? Is the person
reliable to confide in? Does the person live in secrecy or open to
tell you things that concerns him/her? If otherwise, then don’t
date.
“CHARACTER
IS WHO YOU ARE IN
THE
DARK WHEN NO
ONE
SEES YOU.”
-
FINANCE
Knowing
your partner’s attitude towards money is important. Is he/she a
spendthrift or a good manager of resources? Does he /she have an
insatiable desire to make money at all cost? Tread carefully before
you become a victim of evil schemes. Is the person willing to commit
financially to the building of the relationship? This is very crucial
to avoid disappointments and frustrations. According to research,
differences over money is one of the top reasons for marital
dissolution.
-
START
WITH FRIENDSHIP:
Friendship
is a sweet form of relationship that if true can lead to endless
possibilities. Deep within our hearts is a desire to connect with
another individual. The problem is that we live in a fast-paced world
that we rarely have time to develop and sustain meaningful
friendships. But the truth is that best romantic relationships are
products of great friendships. In fact, it is advisable you marry
your friend. Why?, this is because you both share a bond and also
know much about each other. To enjoy an amazing relationship that
will blossom into a blissful union, lean on these principles. Let me
share this great quote by Great Evangelist, Billy Graham: “God
is more interested in your future and relationships than you are.”
Think about it, it’s a food for thought.
----- By
NWOSU J. OBICHI
Motivational
Speaker & Author
